Notes to self......

Notes to self for this week.....

You will pray and ask God to have a better week than last.

You will behave this week. You will not roll your eyes at lovey dovey twosomes running around like they are high on drugs. You will not be bitter. If a friend has an over the top, lovey dovey romatic Valentines story to tell you, you will listen and genuinely be happy. You will practice what you will say ahead of time. "That sounded so fun!" "I'm so happy for you!" You will mean these things. One day you will have a happy Valentines Day and you will want people to be happy and excited for you.

You will not boycott Valentine's Day like you have plotted. You will not ignore it. You will use all of that new blood transfusion energy to make Valentine's for people who deserve to be told by you how great they are. Your Mom for rubbing you feet when you don't feel well. Your Dad for driving you to the hospital on days that you both know you could drive because he wants you to be able to relax. Your sister for always being encouraging and listening to your chemo babble. And Kim, whose awesomeness is shown by you feeling you forgot someone when writing a paragraph about your family. She has become a part of it.

You will be purposeful during the day. Even if you stay in the house. You will get up at a descent time. You will get dressed in clothes that aren't described as "pajama" "sweat" "elastic". You will write a to-do list each night. When able you will leave the house each day, even if for a short time. If your counts are low you will wear a mask and stop acting like your immune system is normal. You will ignore people who stare at you like you have the plague. Remember THEY are contagious, not you.

You will remember to control what you can. You can control what you eat and who you surround yourself with. Good start.

You will stop mopping and listening to sad music. You will stop spending more time trying to heal your heart than your body. It's ok if you CAN'T eat, but you will stop not eating enough because you are sad. You will make yourself sick and you can't heal if you don't eat! You will realize that your hurt and sadness are valid, but that you may have to push them away for a time, get better and then deal with them. After focusing on yourself for a while, you may be surprised to find that they aren't as strong.

You will go back to yoga. Not the hot yoga you love, not now. The yoga in the cool room. If you don't feel up to the regular class you will go to the modified yoga class. Yes, the one with the older adults and chairs. You will realize that this is all your body is capable of at this time. You will not be embarrassed but thankful that you are able to still have this level of activity.

You will not ignore suggestions from loved ones/doctor/friends that suggest you should "talk" to someone. You will keep it in mind and know that you have options if you feel you need them. You realize they are unaware that the most therapeutic place for you right now is that spot on the patio in the backyard. Maybe next time you should grab a blanket.