It's my party and I can cry if I want to

I just got home from the hospital. Only there for 7 hours today.



I knew my platelets were low (15 yesterday, should be at least 100, transfusion needed if 10 or less) and that I might need another platelet transfusion (had one on Wednesday).



But I somehow talked myself into believing that I wouldn't. I just knew that my platelets had come up, I could feel it. I wanted to have a "normal" Saturday, and that is just what I had planned. Juicing, cupcake making and a movie.



It took two hours to get my labs back. I was irritated when the nurse came to tell me the results but happy to go home.



I saw an 8 on the paper before she could say it. She had written it bigger than the print as if to highlight just how low they were. My heart sank. She told me I couldn't go home. I snapped at her and told her I could if I wanted to.



Silly, I know. I have a BS in nursing. I know I stupid it would have been to leave the hospital. If I injured myself and started to bleed it would not stop. I had no intentions on leaving. I just had an overwhelming need at the time to remind the world that I was an adult. And damn it if I wanted to leave I could.



Then I got that lump in my throat. At that moment, life just seemed so unfair.

I just wanted to make cupcakes

5 months of emotion came back to me, and I started to cry. Right there in the middle of the waiting room. That hard, deep, uncontrolled cry. I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to.


It just got to be a lttle too much for me today. My mom and the nurse tried to console me. My back was rubbed, I was given tissue.

I calmed down after a few minutes. I reminded myself that this is just a part of chemo. I don't like it but I want my life back so I have to do it. It's just that simple. The process can not be rushed.

I recieved my transfusion. Bethany+stress+blood product=hives. Yes, I got them again. This extended my fun stay at the hospital today.

We had Vietnamese food for dinner. My fortune cookie read :

Rome was not built in a day

Be patient

I'm going to keep this one in my wallet.