New years eve

Well, this is definitely not how I had planned to spend today but I'm happy to at least be home and not in the hospital.

Let me first start off by saying thank you to you all. I have felt every single beam of love that has been sent my way. I have not been alone once since the start of this. My husband, parents, in laws, and sister have gone above and beyond to care for me and make sure I have wanted for nothing. Friends I am so blessed. I am exploding with gratitude right now.  Thank you. Thank you for supporting me.

I'm going to try to answer a few questions I've gotten in the last 2 days in one place. I know my sister and honey have been ministers of info so hopefully this is just a second update.

- physically: mild to no pain. I'm on very high doses of steroids to help prevent brain swelling. This is making me feel the most uncomfortable. Facial swelling, abdominal swelling, huge increase in appetite, mood swings and the not sleeping. Sleep is usually my refuge so it's been hard to not be able to escape. And sleep aides don't work. The steroids are too high at this point. I do have a xanax but the effect is really laughable at this point. They prepared me for this, it's just going to be uncomfortable for a while. But I'll take it. I do know there are a lot of people who would love to only have some steroid discomfort post op. My dose tomorrow will start a slow taper through jan 19

-Emotionally: it still hasn't completely kicked in what is really happening. It was less than 2 weeks from discovery to surgery so I didn't really have time to process it. I've been very hard on myself. Last night when I was awake I laid very quietly in bed and basically mentally beat myself up for a few hours. Maybe if I had eaten this, tried this eating plan, taken this supplement, not eaten that cupcake, used only natural cleansers in the house, done more yoga, been nicer, had better karma. blah, blah, blah. At the end of it I had decided that I just didn't do enough, i failed and obviously i didn't deserve it. Which is terrible and crazy and I know it's not true but my head just went there last night. So i cried a little this morning, just got all that crap out of my system and decided I'm not doing that again. I'm going to leave a book out in the kitchen for when I can't sleep and I will get up and read.

-Mel is still here with me at my parents in Houston. He will most likely be going back tomorrow to Dallas because he needs to work. His job allows for me to have insurance, so this is very necessary for him to get back. The thought of him leaving makes me want to just throw myself down and start crying and whining but I'm not going to. No tears tomorrow, I'm not going to make him leaving any harder than necessary. I know that when dealing with stuff like this we have to maximize PTO and vacation hours. Houston friends have asked when they can come visit. This is week. This is the week I will need to see your beautiful faces. Anytime just text me first. SWSC friends: if y'all are going to have a drink or anything fun after work or on the weekend, would you all please invite my honey. He loves y'all and I hate to think of him being up there all by himself. Just text me and I will send his number.

-I have no info on further treatment. I do know that the prelim look at tumor in the OR did look like what I had before. Official report will not be back until jan 9ish. The tumor was completely removed and had not tried to attach to skull so the surgeon was able to take it out with great care, touching no other part of my brain. Therefor lessening the spread of cells. Treatment could include chemo, radiation, watch and wait. I should have a better idea about what will happen by mid January. I have apparently said something that have caused concern over the last few years involving chemo. I am not going to refuse treatment but really who is ever excited to get back on chemo. So no worries, if I need treatment I will get it.

-I will be down here until at least jan 10. As much as I would love to roll back to Plano tomorrow, I know its best to be somewhere where there is someone at home at all times at least for the the first week post op.

-I don't do certain things like numbers or talk about prognosis. I know that is how a lot of people operate, but it drives me crazy. So if you ask me anything like that and I just look at you blankly that is why. I don't have a date stamp on the bottom of my foot and so I don't act like it. And I know that is never what is being meant by anyone who asks about chances and numbers and such, this is just how my brain works. You will never catch me going over numbers with my doctor like that. I've always admired people who can get in there look at clinical trials, crunch out all these percentages that it may work, it may not, get in there and look at the prognosis and not have it freak them out. I'm not one of those people. I can get all the information I need without having to talk about certain things. I'm not in denial, this is just how I process things and for me there are just certain words that make me feel the need to get out of the room. If you find some numbers you want to share by all means tell me and I will give you my dads email. He loves that stuff. And please don't ever be afraid to ask me anything. I just wanted to explain why some questions may get a certain response from me.

-It's OK to not know what to say. Hell, I don't even know what to say about all this. And that's OK.

Today has been good so far. I made Melvinn breakfast this morning. Nothing special just some eggs but it just felt so normal and therapeutic to cook something. Its really the most normal I have felt in several days. I'm off to feed the steroid monster again. I swear I have never eaten this much in my life!!!