Scrubs

I love wearing scrubs. Strangely, they make me so happy.

I think they remind me of my pjs.

Last week was hard. I went from extreme happy to confused and discouraged in a matter of days.

Short version: Shoulder/chest pain Tuesday and Wednesday, Cat scan after work Thursday, learning on Friday during my lunch break that a once stable nodule (thought to be inflammation) grew. Inflammation doesn't grow.

I was so discouraged. I cried for most of my lunch break, called my parents then went back to my orientation class hungry and discouraged. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. I can usually get myself out of that place but I let my mind stay there for the rest of the day. I kept thinking "Who am I kidding, I had/have (not sure now) metastatic disease". I kept wondering why I went back to work, why I was wasting people's time. I quickly decided I no longer wanted to move out of my parents house. I wanted to run out of that building, break my lease, go home and crawl into my bed in sweats with cookies. I was really bad. Fortunately, with a few talks from people who know me best, I came back to myself.

I'm not wasting anyone's time. I feel great, so why not work. I'm still going to move. If the nodule turns out to be disease most of my treatment options don't require me to miss a lot of work. My doctor even stated that he is not sure exactly what it is because it grew such a small amount, and that it could have even been a variation in the ct machine. We are going to wait and see. I will be rescanned in 6 weeks.

I feel a lot better that I had the weekend to rest, I took Saturday as a mental vacay day and did only things I wanted to do the whole day. I was a little bothered with myself for getting so down, but I'm only human. I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I try, but I guess sometimes you just have to feel what you feel.

I'm late-Happy New Year.

Happy New Year! I'm not really into resolutions this year. I just plan to continue the goals I have now

• eat more fruits/veggies, less meat



• exercise 3-4 times a week



• drink enough water each day

That's it. Nice and simple.

I just read what I wrote and my picture of the day from a year ago on Dec 31, 2008. Crazy. What a difference a year can make. I went to work today for the first time in 12 months. I'm sure at the end of the work week I won't be nearly as excited, but right now the thought makes my heart skip. I went to work today...Right now, in this moment, it really can't get any better than that.

Dec 31-I leased an apartment! I was not planning on signing anything that day but I just got this great feeling in my tummy. I knew it was the right apartment for me. I will be moving in a month.

Dec 30- I have had the same exact checking account since I was 16. I loved my account number, it just flowed. So I was of course very sad when I had to get a new account number. It's all my fault, I did something VERY silly 2 years ago....learned my lesson.

Dec 29- Finally emptied my hospital bag. I kept slippers, a toothbrush, books, hand wipes, etc. in the bag. It took me a while, but that's ok. I guess I needed to make sure I wouldn't need it anymore.

Dec 28- Fat back is so delicious. I have absolutely NO business eating it but when I am at this restaurant by my Grandma's house, I can never seem to stop myself.

Dec 27- This is the lightest I have ever packed for a trip. I went to see Grandma in Georgia. My trip had to be cut short because of pre-employment things at work. I was only there for 36 hours.