One of those days....

Ugh.


I really need to blog more. No blogging and very little scrapbooking is making me have to remember to much. Will do better.



Busy day at work added on to not so much happy new from my oncoligist makes for a cranky girl.



The spot we were watching before is still there and hasn't grown-yay BUT there is a new thing that popped up. A new spot. It's very small so we will just wait six weeks for a rescan and then see what it does. Hopefully it will just sit there, but if it doesn't chemo/surgery/radiation are all options. I just hope I can still work, I really do enjoy my job.



It's crazy working and being treated at the same facility. Fellows (new doctors training in a certain specialty) train in several centers at Anderson. I have worked with a few. One that I have worked with before just happed to be in MY treatment center following MY doctor today. Nice. I don't want what I'm going through to be a secret but I'm not sure I want someone I might work with to know every juicy detail. It's cool though, no biggie. I hope he learned something from my case and can use it to benefit others he will help.



I have had a really great past few months. I'm so happy and physically I feel great. I know it's not the best I've ever felt but it sure does feel like. Maybe because I appreciate it now. I know what it's like to really feel like crap.



Sleep is the onl thing that can cure what I'm feeling now.... a mix of shock/anger/sadness/disgust. Oh and I'm sure this little guy could cure it. I need to get custody back from my parents.

Scrubs

I love wearing scrubs. Strangely, they make me so happy.

I think they remind me of my pjs.

Last week was hard. I went from extreme happy to confused and discouraged in a matter of days.

Short version: Shoulder/chest pain Tuesday and Wednesday, Cat scan after work Thursday, learning on Friday during my lunch break that a once stable nodule (thought to be inflammation) grew. Inflammation doesn't grow.

I was so discouraged. I cried for most of my lunch break, called my parents then went back to my orientation class hungry and discouraged. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. I can usually get myself out of that place but I let my mind stay there for the rest of the day. I kept thinking "Who am I kidding, I had/have (not sure now) metastatic disease". I kept wondering why I went back to work, why I was wasting people's time. I quickly decided I no longer wanted to move out of my parents house. I wanted to run out of that building, break my lease, go home and crawl into my bed in sweats with cookies. I was really bad. Fortunately, with a few talks from people who know me best, I came back to myself.

I'm not wasting anyone's time. I feel great, so why not work. I'm still going to move. If the nodule turns out to be disease most of my treatment options don't require me to miss a lot of work. My doctor even stated that he is not sure exactly what it is because it grew such a small amount, and that it could have even been a variation in the ct machine. We are going to wait and see. I will be rescanned in 6 weeks.

I feel a lot better that I had the weekend to rest, I took Saturday as a mental vacay day and did only things I wanted to do the whole day. I was a little bothered with myself for getting so down, but I'm only human. I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I try, but I guess sometimes you just have to feel what you feel.

yesterday......

Was a bad day. Routine 3 month checkup for a cancer diagnosed at 20. Wasnt worried. Had relapsed before but always small, easy to remove. MD Anderson. Doctor came in, he just didnt look right. I have to tell you something you dont want to hear. My stomach must have dropped out of my body. I started shaking. Mass. Mass or spot? Mass. In my lung? He pulled up the cat scan. Today I wished I had never gone to nursing school because I knew too much. The gray blob. Too close to other structures. Wait, it shouldnt be in the middle of my chest. Thats my heart it's up against. Is it just touching or is it.....I couldnt finish. I started to cry. I understand why my chest has been feeling uncomfortable. What will I do? Chemo, radiation, surgery if we can. CAN??? I want it out now. Not the best choice. It needs to shrink. Shrink? Things look smaller on computer screens. Yes, shrink. It's 5cm. Like a small baseball. In my chest. Need a special catheter implanted for chemo. Will my hair fall out? Yes. Don't remember much else after this point. Called Mom and Dad. They knew from hello. I'm ok. I really am fine. Maybe it's the shock but I appreciate whatever is keeping me calm.

The sun is ALWAYS shining somewhere. Today I am thankful for God, a supportive family, the blessing of having no financial worries through treatment, friends