Scrubs

I love wearing scrubs. Strangely, they make me so happy.

I think they remind me of my pjs.

Last week was hard. I went from extreme happy to confused and discouraged in a matter of days.

Short version: Shoulder/chest pain Tuesday and Wednesday, Cat scan after work Thursday, learning on Friday during my lunch break that a once stable nodule (thought to be inflammation) grew. Inflammation doesn't grow.

I was so discouraged. I cried for most of my lunch break, called my parents then went back to my orientation class hungry and discouraged. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. I can usually get myself out of that place but I let my mind stay there for the rest of the day. I kept thinking "Who am I kidding, I had/have (not sure now) metastatic disease". I kept wondering why I went back to work, why I was wasting people's time. I quickly decided I no longer wanted to move out of my parents house. I wanted to run out of that building, break my lease, go home and crawl into my bed in sweats with cookies. I was really bad. Fortunately, with a few talks from people who know me best, I came back to myself.

I'm not wasting anyone's time. I feel great, so why not work. I'm still going to move. If the nodule turns out to be disease most of my treatment options don't require me to miss a lot of work. My doctor even stated that he is not sure exactly what it is because it grew such a small amount, and that it could have even been a variation in the ct machine. We are going to wait and see. I will be rescanned in 6 weeks.

I feel a lot better that I had the weekend to rest, I took Saturday as a mental vacay day and did only things I wanted to do the whole day. I was a little bothered with myself for getting so down, but I'm only human. I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I try, but I guess sometimes you just have to feel what you feel.