yesterday......

Was a bad day. Routine 3 month checkup for a cancer diagnosed at 20. Wasnt worried. Had relapsed before but always small, easy to remove. MD Anderson. Doctor came in, he just didnt look right. I have to tell you something you dont want to hear. My stomach must have dropped out of my body. I started shaking. Mass. Mass or spot? Mass. In my lung? He pulled up the cat scan. Today I wished I had never gone to nursing school because I knew too much. The gray blob. Too close to other structures. Wait, it shouldnt be in the middle of my chest. Thats my heart it's up against. Is it just touching or is it.....I couldnt finish. I started to cry. I understand why my chest has been feeling uncomfortable. What will I do? Chemo, radiation, surgery if we can. CAN??? I want it out now. Not the best choice. It needs to shrink. Shrink? Things look smaller on computer screens. Yes, shrink. It's 5cm. Like a small baseball. In my chest. Need a special catheter implanted for chemo. Will my hair fall out? Yes. Don't remember much else after this point. Called Mom and Dad. They knew from hello. I'm ok. I really am fine. Maybe it's the shock but I appreciate whatever is keeping me calm.

The sun is ALWAYS shining somewhere. Today I am thankful for God, a supportive family, the blessing of having no financial worries through treatment, friends