New years eve

Well, this is definitely not how I had planned to spend today but I'm happy to at least be home and not in the hospital.

Let me first start off by saying thank you to you all. I have felt every single beam of love that has been sent my way. I have not been alone once since the start of this. My husband, parents, in laws, and sister have gone above and beyond to care for me and make sure I have wanted for nothing. Friends I am so blessed. I am exploding with gratitude right now.  Thank you. Thank you for supporting me.

I'm going to try to answer a few questions I've gotten in the last 2 days in one place. I know my sister and honey have been ministers of info so hopefully this is just a second update.

- physically: mild to no pain. I'm on very high doses of steroids to help prevent brain swelling. This is making me feel the most uncomfortable. Facial swelling, abdominal swelling, huge increase in appetite, mood swings and the not sleeping. Sleep is usually my refuge so it's been hard to not be able to escape. And sleep aides don't work. The steroids are too high at this point. I do have a xanax but the effect is really laughable at this point. They prepared me for this, it's just going to be uncomfortable for a while. But I'll take it. I do know there are a lot of people who would love to only have some steroid discomfort post op. My dose tomorrow will start a slow taper through jan 19

-Emotionally: it still hasn't completely kicked in what is really happening. It was less than 2 weeks from discovery to surgery so I didn't really have time to process it. I've been very hard on myself. Last night when I was awake I laid very quietly in bed and basically mentally beat myself up for a few hours. Maybe if I had eaten this, tried this eating plan, taken this supplement, not eaten that cupcake, used only natural cleansers in the house, done more yoga, been nicer, had better karma. blah, blah, blah. At the end of it I had decided that I just didn't do enough, i failed and obviously i didn't deserve it. Which is terrible and crazy and I know it's not true but my head just went there last night. So i cried a little this morning, just got all that crap out of my system and decided I'm not doing that again. I'm going to leave a book out in the kitchen for when I can't sleep and I will get up and read.

-Mel is still here with me at my parents in Houston. He will most likely be going back tomorrow to Dallas because he needs to work. His job allows for me to have insurance, so this is very necessary for him to get back. The thought of him leaving makes me want to just throw myself down and start crying and whining but I'm not going to. No tears tomorrow, I'm not going to make him leaving any harder than necessary. I know that when dealing with stuff like this we have to maximize PTO and vacation hours. Houston friends have asked when they can come visit. This is week. This is the week I will need to see your beautiful faces. Anytime just text me first. SWSC friends: if y'all are going to have a drink or anything fun after work or on the weekend, would you all please invite my honey. He loves y'all and I hate to think of him being up there all by himself. Just text me and I will send his number.

-I have no info on further treatment. I do know that the prelim look at tumor in the OR did look like what I had before. Official report will not be back until jan 9ish. The tumor was completely removed and had not tried to attach to skull so the surgeon was able to take it out with great care, touching no other part of my brain. Therefor lessening the spread of cells. Treatment could include chemo, radiation, watch and wait. I should have a better idea about what will happen by mid January. I have apparently said something that have caused concern over the last few years involving chemo. I am not going to refuse treatment but really who is ever excited to get back on chemo. So no worries, if I need treatment I will get it.

-I will be down here until at least jan 10. As much as I would love to roll back to Plano tomorrow, I know its best to be somewhere where there is someone at home at all times at least for the the first week post op.

-I don't do certain things like numbers or talk about prognosis. I know that is how a lot of people operate, but it drives me crazy. So if you ask me anything like that and I just look at you blankly that is why. I don't have a date stamp on the bottom of my foot and so I don't act like it. And I know that is never what is being meant by anyone who asks about chances and numbers and such, this is just how my brain works. You will never catch me going over numbers with my doctor like that. I've always admired people who can get in there look at clinical trials, crunch out all these percentages that it may work, it may not, get in there and look at the prognosis and not have it freak them out. I'm not one of those people. I can get all the information I need without having to talk about certain things. I'm not in denial, this is just how I process things and for me there are just certain words that make me feel the need to get out of the room. If you find some numbers you want to share by all means tell me and I will give you my dads email. He loves that stuff. And please don't ever be afraid to ask me anything. I just wanted to explain why some questions may get a certain response from me.

-It's OK to not know what to say. Hell, I don't even know what to say about all this. And that's OK.

Today has been good so far. I made Melvinn breakfast this morning. Nothing special just some eggs but it just felt so normal and therapeutic to cook something. Its really the most normal I have felt in several days. I'm off to feed the steroid monster again. I swear I have never eaten this much in my life!!!

there is no place like home

I was just discharged and I'm now at my parents. The tumor has been removed. It does appear to be a met but still waiting on full path. This was very hard to hear, as I always had hope it was benign. But the initial look does look like rhabdo, but I will just have to be patient and wait until about Jan 9.

Feeling fuzzy, will update more later.

Twas the night before surgery...

Of course I should be sleeping but I'm so nervous! Mel and I had a great date night. I had the most delicious lobster tail and oysters and creme brule. I decided to eat every single thing I wanted. Just had my last delicious sips of water and now I am npo until tomorrow. I know I'm not really hungry right now but just thinking I can't eat and I'm already craving a snack.

Thank you all for the huge outpouring of love. I can feel it, I really can.

Merry Christmas!

Though my holiday looked completely different from what I had planned I'm still happy to report that we all had a great Christmas. I decided on Christmas eve that I was going to choose Joy. Just that simple. I was going to look around, see all the awesome in my life and be happy. And you know what friends, really wasn't hard at all! I have so much to be thankful for. My parents made a delicious dinner including fried turkey. I loaded up on food, napped then all of us, my family and in laws went to see a movie. It was really a pretty fun day we all had yesterday. And I got some reallly great presents, my favorite being a juicing book from sister I plan to read during my recovery. Thanks Camille!

I am up early trying to get prepped for surgery tomorrow. Reading some hospital info, getting a bag packed. In a few hours my honey will be taking me to get my hair done from my favorite stylists who has been so gracious to come in on her off day to make me pretty. Then we will be having a pre surgery date night and staying closer into town to make it easier to be up bright and early for surgery.

I'm so ready to get this thing out of my head tomorrow!!

Surgery is next Thursday!

Yesterday I met with my neuro surgeon. The tumor is in my right temporal lobe, cherry tomato size and is operable. Good news! It will be biopsied after. It of course may be metastsis from previous cancer but I'm still hopeful its benign.

I am feeling well. Little pain thanks to the sterioids but they do make me feel very off. Especially the anti seizure meds. They make me so tired. Appetite continues to be good, probably due to the steroids.

Tomorrow I will meet with cardio and anesthesia for pre op eval. A little annoyed by this because I was just cleared for surgery tomorrow- a few fun cosmetic procedures, which of course at this point are not happening. But I completely understand the need for the re evaluation.

In Houston

I am in Houston now. We arrived last night. I needed to get my ct/mri cds to Anderson. We could have overnight fed exed but hubby is a genius and felt we could beat fed ex plus we wouldnt risk them getting lost with all the holiday mail, so we drove down last night and dropped them off this morning. Well Mel drove. I still on seizure precautions until further notice. I have not had a seizure and am on seizure meds but of course better to be safe.

I feel a lot better than I did last week when I thought I had a sinus infection. My head doesn't hurt anymore thanks to the steroids but I do feel quite off. I'm not used to taking this much medicine.

 I went to bikram yoga yesterday. I was a little anxious because the doctor didn't think it was the best idea but as long as I promised to tell the teacher what was happening I was allowed. I felt so supported through class. Definitely wasn't my best class but I did it. My nausea and anxiety have decreased. Appetite continues to get better. I cant wait to get back to the hot room.

Tomorrow morning I will meet with neuro. Hoping to hear some good news.

Dissapointing News

I have been having off and on sinus infection symptoms since early 2011. They have always resolved with antibiotics ans/or steroids. Until theses last few weeks. I woke up on Thanksgiving day with a headache. Assumed it was sinus related and went to the doctor 3 days later and received antibiotics and steroids. After the course of antibiotics I didn't feel any better. Steroids helped but shortly after stopping them I felt worse. I received a different type of antibiotic from another doc. No improvement. On Friday night my head hurt so bad that my husband drove me to an urgent care facility. After a quick CT scan it was revealed that there is a tumor in my head. I was given some medication, steroids to help with the swelling and transferred by ambulance to a hospital nearby to be admitted to be stabilized. I was released today and will followup with doctors at MD Anderson on Wednesday. I am heart broken. I thought that 3 years was far enough out from the cancer to not have to worry about anything like this. Good news is that it is a solitary nodule, small and operable, possibly benign because it seems to be slow growing. It has possibly been there since 2011. While I am beyond disappointed and heartbroken I am still so blessed. A lot of people in the country got horrible news on Friday. When I got mine I got to be comforted by my wonderful husband. So many on Friday never got that hug from there loved ones. I have a good feeling about this. I just need some more time to adjust. I will keep everyone posted. Thank you for the the thoughts, prayers and positive energy. I feel it.