Can I skip chemo and go to the mall?

3 hour countdown until chemo: starting now. I would rather go to the mall.....

54/365 I love this pasta salad. We made two batches over the weekend. One with regular pasta for the shower and one with whole wheat pasta for me. I'm taking it to chemo for lunch-I'm over hospital food.

53/365-Baby shower day. Me and the mommy to be.

52/365-all packed and ready to go for the baby shower. It was an hour away so I needed to make sure i had everything.

51/365 a nice lady at MAC taught me how to have eyebrows again. If you turn in 6 used products you get a free lipstick. I gave it to my Mom.

50/365 catching up on my P365...fianlly

Happy Hump Day!

49/365- This delivery made my day.

48/365- These are the fabulous chocolates sent to me by my favorite sister. They are more like art than candy. These paired with my white chai tea and Ru Paul's new show Drag Race made for a scrumptious night.

Prayers have been answered.

The PET scan shows a tumor that is dying. The chemo is working. My spirit and mind have been renewed. I can continue this fight. God, I am so thankful for all that you have done for me.

The tumor shrank!!!!

Yay!!! The tumor shrank! It's about a 1/4 of an inch smaller. It did not shrink as much as the doctor thought it would, he described it as "mixed news", good because it shrank, bad because not as much as expected. But I'm still happy. My lungs remain clear of any other disease.

My doctor is considering changing my chemo. I had a PET scan on Friday. I'm glad this is over. My no carbohydrate night/fasting until 4pm made me EVIL. I will hopefully get the results tomorrow. If the tumor is still very active, my chemo regimen will change to chemo drugs that I have not had before to see if they work better. If it is not active I will have a third chemo added on to what I am getting now. I flinched when he told me this, i guess it was just a natural response. He noticed and we all had a good laugh.

I was scheduled for chemo tomorrow morning but my platelets have been very low, even after a transfusion, so the chemo has been postponed. Hopefully they went up over the weekend. Not sure what they are now because I didn't have my labs drawn all weekend (yes, i know, bad bad cancer patient). I'll go in the morning. I was a little worried about the late chemo but doc said it was ok to be up to a week late.

It's also time for Lupron again. It helps to protect my ovaries but I also think it's making me moody, crazy and is causing life altering hot flashes. I had decided against it until I saw the little people clothes below. I want one of those little people one day so I'm going to suck it up and get the shot. The surgery was discussed, more details when I get them.

47/365- I love love love love all things Kashi

46/365 My soon to be "niece's" closet. I love all of the little clothes.

45/365 Kev and I went to see Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th. Really the ONLY day the movie should be seen. Oh and my fabulous new wig : )

44/365 A Valentine's sneak attack for my friend Frank.

43/365 I helped a friend from church make and deliver these baskets to some youth in the church.

42/365- my daily devotional that my mom bought me. February is about forgiveness.

41/365- Allison and I went to see He's Just Not That Into You, it's a great movie that made a lot of sense.

40/365-(pic removed by me) these antibiotics have caused me distress of the worst kind. I can't wait to be done with them.

Notes to self......

Notes to self for this week.....

You will pray and ask God to have a better week than last.

You will behave this week. You will not roll your eyes at lovey dovey twosomes running around like they are high on drugs. You will not be bitter. If a friend has an over the top, lovey dovey romatic Valentines story to tell you, you will listen and genuinely be happy. You will practice what you will say ahead of time. "That sounded so fun!" "I'm so happy for you!" You will mean these things. One day you will have a happy Valentines Day and you will want people to be happy and excited for you.

You will not boycott Valentine's Day like you have plotted. You will not ignore it. You will use all of that new blood transfusion energy to make Valentine's for people who deserve to be told by you how great they are. Your Mom for rubbing you feet when you don't feel well. Your Dad for driving you to the hospital on days that you both know you could drive because he wants you to be able to relax. Your sister for always being encouraging and listening to your chemo babble. And Kim, whose awesomeness is shown by you feeling you forgot someone when writing a paragraph about your family. She has become a part of it.

You will be purposeful during the day. Even if you stay in the house. You will get up at a descent time. You will get dressed in clothes that aren't described as "pajama" "sweat" "elastic". You will write a to-do list each night. When able you will leave the house each day, even if for a short time. If your counts are low you will wear a mask and stop acting like your immune system is normal. You will ignore people who stare at you like you have the plague. Remember THEY are contagious, not you.

You will remember to control what you can. You can control what you eat and who you surround yourself with. Good start.

You will stop mopping and listening to sad music. You will stop spending more time trying to heal your heart than your body. It's ok if you CAN'T eat, but you will stop not eating enough because you are sad. You will make yourself sick and you can't heal if you don't eat! You will realize that your hurt and sadness are valid, but that you may have to push them away for a time, get better and then deal with them. After focusing on yourself for a while, you may be surprised to find that they aren't as strong.

You will go back to yoga. Not the hot yoga you love, not now. The yoga in the cool room. If you don't feel up to the regular class you will go to the modified yoga class. Yes, the one with the older adults and chairs. You will realize that this is all your body is capable of at this time. You will not be embarrassed but thankful that you are able to still have this level of activity.

You will not ignore suggestions from loved ones/doctor/friends that suggest you should "talk" to someone. You will keep it in mind and know that you have options if you feel you need them. You realize they are unaware that the most therapeutic place for you right now is that spot on the patio in the backyard. Maybe next time you should grab a blanket.

pics

39/365-They were Yummy. I love seafood. This is going to be hard to say goodbye to.

38/365 - my mom with the LUGGAGE she brought for me for a possible night stay in the hospital. I love her. I guess I did ask for a lot of stuff.

37/365 My 2 new reads. Both are on nutrition(vegetarian/vegan). The China Study and Skinny Bitch (thank you Sheila!)-I love it, I am forever changed.

36/365 Today I didn't even change out of my pajamas. I lounged around and watched Whose Wedding Is It Anyway re-runs. In the afternoon I ventured into the backyard. It was beautiful outside, the sky was so clear. I was too tired to stand so I laid on the concrete on the patio. No pillow, no blanket. I soaked in all the goodness the sun could give me. I thought a lot while on the ground. I decided that there absolutely has to be a heaven up there. Today was simple but it was one of the most magical days of my life.

35/365 -Pretty kitty. Now notice the grass behind her. She is 100% inside cat. No front claws. She decided to follow me outside today. I was afraid she was going to run at first, but she just sat and enjoyed the day with me.

34/365 - He's normally aggresive but when I'm sick he gets crazy. He doesn't want anyone even looking at me. Here he is gaurding my nap chair. He's growling at my dad standing behind me.

33/365 -taking down my birthday cards.

32/365 -KV came to see me for my birthday. He took me to the hospital, then we ate Chinese food and watched movies.

31/365 - My sweet neighbors made this for me : )

I'm back

I am back. This has been a very hard week. I am tired. Not just physically but more emotionally now. I feel like a hamster on wheel. It will get better....

My week started like a typical week after chemo does, crappy. I was dealing pretty well and then as expected, my blood counts started to drop from the chemo. They dropped faster and a little lower than I had expected. So, I ended up needing a another blood transusion on Thursday. I normally feel brand new after a blood transfusion so I was ready to get it going. Well to make a long story short, I started to get a fever during the blood transfusion. Not good. It was either a reaction to the blood or the start of an infection. Im still not sure which one. I was unable to get the rest of the blood transfusion because I had to do several things to check for/treat an infection. It made for a very late night at the hospital (3am). I went home, had 1.5 hours sleep, woke back up and went back for a CAT scan (results Wednesday). Right before I was about to run home and get in my bed, I found out my counts had gone down again. I stayed and got another blood transfusion, this time the full amount. I am now on a super fun thing called a neutropenic pathway which involves me getting daily labs, going to MDA until Monday, and then getting called by a nurse daily for the rest of the week. I know I can't help it but I'm going to try my hardest not to have a another temp while on chemo. Positive thinking!