Went on my trip. Came back. A little stressed, well a lot stressed, but that's ok. It's NYE and I'm at home/bald /in sweats....never would have imagined this a year ago. It's better than the alternative so I will not complain. I had my CT scan yesterday and received the results today....the tumor did not shrink. It is stable and appears to have some dead tissue inside of it. I am thankful for this, but at the same time I am disappointed it did not get smaller. I have felt like crap for 6 weeks, I wanted to hear that it was smaller. But I tell myself it will all be ok. The doctor feels that it will start to shrink with the next round or two of chemo. Yes, more chemo. I'm tired, but don't have a choice. So, I will put a smile on my face and act like I like it.

Today I started a year long project, project 365. It's basically a documentation of your daily life through pictures, one a day. There are several variations. Mine has no rules, just document my life one picture, one day at a time. Whatever I want, whatever strikes me that day. I chose today to start, seemed like a good day, it let me know what I would be doing for a good part of 2009.

Day 1 12/31

A picture from my cat scan. This consumed my brain today so I thought it was fitting. The gray blob and the top of the picture is it.

I will be started on a new medication to combat the horrible terrible mouth sores that decided to invade my mouth and throat this past treatment. I couldn't eat and I am small, so this could become a problem. I really can't afford to loose any weight. The thing is the medication is $3500-$5000 per shot, and sometimes insurance does not cover it (I'm still waiting for approval). I started shaking my head "no" when I heard the price. I just thought that was way too much. Then my nurse practitioner reminded me that I was worth....so sweet. I needed to hear that for so many other reasons than that medication today.

No resolutions just goals for the new year....

* Remember that I'm worth it

*Eat less meat, eat more veggies/fruit

*Walk outside for at least 10 minutes a day when physically able

*Chill/relax/stop spazzing over stuff that I can't change

*Continue to surround myself with loving, caring people

Happy New Year!!! Make 2009 a great year.

GRATITUDE

Tonight, a few thing I am thankful for.....

Being done with chemo round 2!!! It was hard, but I did it. 5 days of chemo is long...sooo long, I'm so glad I'm done for 2 weeks. I need the time to not only physically repair but most importantly to mentally repair.

Kim. My dearest. She flew down again from Dallas to help take care of me during chemo. She did a great job of getting to chemo safely (she had to drive my big, scary SUV which she is not used to), she made sure I woke up before the predetermined time of "noon" set by my father, she made sure I ate even when I didn't really feel like it, and she helped entertain me during the long late night infusions. She tried her best to entertain me back at the house with a little musical which shall remain nameless. I'm sure that one day when I am not hungover from chemo I might possibly enjoy all the shrill singing and dancing ....but that day it was a little too much and I had to excuse myself for a nap.

My parents. I have wonderful parents. They both felt a little under the weather at the beginning on the week, and they both got on antibiotics just in case to keep me safe because my immune system is weaker from the chemo.

Mom. My mom has been great about finding things for me to eat. Whatever I can think up she will get. Chicken nuggets and "not too fancy" mashed potatoes, grits and turkey bacon for dinner. Anything. If I want it and think it will stay down she will do her best to get it.

Dad. While at MD Anderson waiting for treatment (10pm at night) I was afraid that I had missed my window of opportunity to get my nausea pill prescription filled because all of the pharmacies were closed by this time. This would leave me only a few pills until I came back. Well, Dad took the bottle and set off saying he would be back. I knew what that meant. He wasn't going to come back without those pills. Kim and I joked about the poor person who was about to get a lashing for telling my father the pharmacies were closed. Well about 30 minutes later he returned...with the pills. He had found an emergency pharmacy. The most touching part was when I realized that he paid $147 for 7 pills. Yep, my insurance said I couldn't have anymore until the 21st. My dad and the pharmacist figured out how many I would need until then and he bought them for me. I so blessed to have a dad that cares this much about my comfort.

Feeling better. Still feel a little chemo gross (sore mouth, tired, achy, nausea...just yucky) but not nearly as bad as I did 2 days ago. I'm up, moving around, not lying lifeless in the "nap" chair holding the chihuahua hostage (he likes it, he really does)

Sir Toby-some call him the Devil, I call him Perfect

Yay! Sister is coming tomorrow. Well, If Wisconsin weather decides to stop cutting up. But I think it will so YAY I'll see Camille tomorrow!!!!!

Thanks, I didnt get the memo.

First day of second round of chemo. A conversation between Bethany and her nurse.

Nurse: So how old are you?

Bethany:25

Nurse: You married?

Bethany: no

Nurse: Any kids?

Bethany: no

Nurse: Uhh don't you think it's time you started those things (as she places my chemo on the poll to infuse into me). If you wait too much longer you'll only be able to have one kid.


I was overwhelmed by her sensitivity. I mean this is obviously a great time for me to run out and great pregnant. Silly me, where is that damn memo?

It's snowing!!

As I was sitting on my computer surfing the net I heard my parents start to yell that I needed to get outside now. Both of them. At the same time. I thought the house was on fire. I jumped up, saw them standing at the back door and realize it was snowing. It was actually quite a lot (for Texas). We went outside, acted like we had never seen snow along with the whole street, and took some pictures.

the backyard

Mom and Dad

Mom and I

This is the yumminess that I received when my mom got back from visiting my Grandma (her mother) in Georgia. A homemade pound cake from Grandma. She made it just for me and wouldn't let anyone taste it and instructed my mom to get it to me safely. It arrived in perfect condition and taste just as good as it looks. Thank you Grandma!

I will start my second round of chemo on Friday. After some scheduling drama, the nurse and I finally decided that Friday would be the day. Long story short I wanted to start my second round a little early so that I would have enough time between chemo and Christmas to feel good for the Holiday and to hopefully (fingers crossed) have my counts (white blood cells mainly and other lab work) high enough to still go on a trip that was planned before I relapsed.

Today I am thankful all of the energy I've had and for getting so much more comfortable with not having hair. I feel almost like myself again.

Dear Hair,

I miss you already. It's only been a little over an hour since we've been apart. You started to leave me a few days ago. I was sad, but prepared. Each day a little more of you would go. Tonight you were ready to come out in bigger clumps. I'm glad you were able to hold on to tonight because I really enjoyed my last day with you. Tonight I went into the bathroom to comb you and so much of you came out even when I softly combed or even ran my hands through you. I knew it was time so I sat down and enjoyed a few minutes with you. I cried a little bit too. Then I got up and dusted myself off and yelled up to Dad that I would like him to shave you off. He said absolutely. It was just you, me and Dad.....just like it was the first time. Dad was very kind and told me he understood how difficult this was for me. He also prayed to God and asked that this be the last time that he would have to do this to me. He asked if I was ready and told me to take a deep breathe. I did.

I can't wait to see you again. I hope it's only a few months but it may have to be a little more than that, like it was last time. I know some people may not understand what we had. They may think "hey, it's just hair". But you were so much more to me than that. You made me feel beautiful and feminine. I enjoyed brushing and curling you. People always told me that you were pretty because you were so long and black. Mom and Kim helped me pick out some things that look a lot like you. Of course, they will never replace you, but they will help me until I can get you back. I miss you. But, I had to let you go. If this is one of the things I have to do to reclaim my life back then it is truly a small sacrifice.

I'm a little uncomfortable putting a picture on here of me without you. But, I remember the times that I have been encouraged and amazed seeing women walk around during their treatments without you. It's nice to know you are not the only one. So in the case that someone in a similar situation stumbles onto this blog and finds that they are not the only one.....well, it was worth a little discomfort.

Before

After

Until I see you again......

Love,

Bethany

I am very happy to be done with week #1 of chemo. I am feeling much better than I was during chemo week. The week was actually pretty tolerable. The nausea medication has improved SOOOO much in the past 5 years. It's really amazing what they have done. The nausea and vomiting was a BIG problem last time. I'm starting to think this time it won't be that bad. Other than crazy chemo headaches, sore chemo mouth and just kind of feeling blah I was pretty good. Most of my symptoms are gone now(6th day off), i'm just tired. Too tired for work but not tired enough to not be bored in the house. But luckily I have a preggo friend and I've been busying myself planning a shower for.

I was entertained this past weekend by my dearies Kim and Allison. I love them. They were great and very understanding that the most I could do was watch tv and movies....but I think we all still had a great time.

Kim and mom. We ate at Panera after wig shopping.

I found 3 cute wigs this weekend. Different lengths and styles so I can change it up if I feel like it. According to the 10-14 day rule (hair starts to fall out 10-14 days after the first cycle) my hair could start to come out tomorrow. I think it will be closer to 14 days because that's what happened last time. I'm sad but I'm ready. If thats what I have to do to get better than it's all worth it.

Today I am thankful for being able to eat grapefruit without my mouth hurting and my dear friends.

today......

I am thankful for a wonderful Dad that spent most of his day at MD Anderson with me while I got chemo, and then told me it was "his pleasure".

I am thankful for a wonderful mother who stayed at home and cooked a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner with just the right amount of soft food and little seasoning because my mouth is starting to get sore.

I am thankful for my sister-just because.

I am thankful for my good health-other than cancer I have no other health problems.

I am thankful that I have a job that understands that I need to put my health first at this time.

I am thankful to God and all of the blessings that he has given to me.

I am thankful for my dear friends and great neighbors.

I am thankful for my baby Toby.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

This is how we roll

I'm the coolest cancer patient you know...

Long Day. I started chemo and I will get it for the rest of the week. Including Thanksgiving. I can't believe I actually complained that I had to work a 12 hour shift on Thanksgiving. What I would give to be able to work on Thanksgiving now.....

I will have chemo as an outpatient. 3 hour infusion of one type of chemo, then I get to take this little fashionista everywhere with me.

It contains the second chemo and a medication to protect my kidneys. I will go back everyday this week and repeat the same thing: 3 hour infusion, fill up my new accessory. I even have a phone number for people to call to verify the contents of my bag. Just in case someone thinks I'm stealing, or that it's a bomb (i know, but it must have happened before because they gave me the number for this reason) they can either not be stupid and just look in the backpack or they can feel my wrath and maybe get the number. I feel pretty good. I got a lot of nausea medication, so im sure i'll be good for tonight.

Today I'm thankful for: wonderful parents who can take off work to be with me (i am blessed that this can happen), dad's pep talks, my sister and her hilarious squirrel story

I cut my hair!!!

I had my hair cut today. I wanted to donate it to Locks of Love but unfortunately it was a little to short. I feel so much better!! I feel like I have at least a little control of the situation. It will be much easier to have my hair fall out with shorter strands than long ones. It will also be much easier to go from short to bald than from long to bald. I'm going wig shopping in a few days and my stylist said she would be more than happy to trim the wig for me. I wasn't big on wigs the first time, but i'm going to give them a second try. I think it will make certain situations more comfortable, like work.

I had another port (it's like a long term IV, it can be internal or external) put in yesterday. They gave me happy lala land medicine. It was nice to not think about things for a few hours. I already have a implanted port, but one of the chemos i'm getting can't go into this type of port. This is why I now have 2 ports. One on each side of my chest. Sexy, I know. Needless to say I wasnt happy about it, but I have to do what I have to do.

The one on the right side of my chest is internal, the one on the left side is external.

Today I'm thankful for my sweet hairstylist who made a hard thing a lot easier, and a great friend who drove down from Dallas to spend the weekend with me.

the plan

My doctor, my parents and I had a detailed conversation this evening about the treatment plan. Chemo first for two rounds. One round will be 5 days of chemo, 2 weeks off. This will start Monday. I should be off the week of Christmas : ) I will get my central line put in tomorrow morning. I am strongly considering being pro active and donating my hair to locks of love before it starts to fall out. I just need to see if it's long enough. No need to waste it. It's going to go. It could at least go somewhere useful and not into my "save my hair" freezer bag I had last time. I will post pictures soon.

yesterday......

Was a bad day. Routine 3 month checkup for a cancer diagnosed at 20. Wasnt worried. Had relapsed before but always small, easy to remove. MD Anderson. Doctor came in, he just didnt look right. I have to tell you something you dont want to hear. My stomach must have dropped out of my body. I started shaking. Mass. Mass or spot? Mass. In my lung? He pulled up the cat scan. Today I wished I had never gone to nursing school because I knew too much. The gray blob. Too close to other structures. Wait, it shouldnt be in the middle of my chest. Thats my heart it's up against. Is it just touching or is it.....I couldnt finish. I started to cry. I understand why my chest has been feeling uncomfortable. What will I do? Chemo, radiation, surgery if we can. CAN??? I want it out now. Not the best choice. It needs to shrink. Shrink? Things look smaller on computer screens. Yes, shrink. It's 5cm. Like a small baseball. In my chest. Need a special catheter implanted for chemo. Will my hair fall out? Yes. Don't remember much else after this point. Called Mom and Dad. They knew from hello. I'm ok. I really am fine. Maybe it's the shock but I appreciate whatever is keeping me calm.

The sun is ALWAYS shining somewhere. Today I am thankful for God, a supportive family, the blessing of having no financial worries through treatment, friends